I know I want a third baby. I am 99% sure. The 1% is me admitting that it would be nice to never have to be pregnant again or go through the sleepless nights again, to be able to get rid of the assortment of bulky baby toys and gear after Ellie is done with it, to avoid putting my career on pause again, to never have to forego another margarita once I'm done breastfeeding, and to avoid having to pay for daycare through college for another person. The other 99% of me really wants to add another member to our family. Part of it is that I come from a family of three kids and that just seems more like a family to me than a couple with two kids. Part of it is that I just don't feel done. Part of it is the fact that I love having a little baby, the snuggles, the cuteness and the attachment. Part of it is that I love every age we've been through so far with both our kids and I still want more. Part of it is that I want loud and boisterous family dinners and vacations when we're all older. Part of it is that I want my kids to have friends for life...having one more baby would double the sibling relationships each one has and it would mean that even if they are fighting with one sibling, there would be another that they can go to. I feel like I already know this imaginary third baby and have grown attached to him/her.
I'm sure by now you know where the problem lies. PJO has said that he is pretty sure he does not want any more. He "feels complete" and thinks that the world is made for families of four and he doesn't know how we'd make it work since he already feels stretched thin with two kids and two working parents. I, of course, object to the characterization of "feeling complete" because it's not as though I am unhappy in any way with what I have. As a matter of fact, I find everything about my family to be so completely wonderful that I can't imagine not wanting more. If you ask Timmy if he wants two cookies instead of three, he's going to say three cookies! I do not believe in too much of a good thing. I also think the idea that it's easier to go do things with four instead of five is sort of silly...I don't remember it ever causing any actual problems when I was growing up. But the thing that I can't get away from is that he feels like we just may not be able to withstand the added stress a third child would bring.
The last few months have undoubtedly been stressful. Within a couple months, we adjusted to having a newborn at home, we moved, we (slowly) unpacked, switched preschools, started potty training, were all sick, sacrificed sleep when Ellie decided she didn't want to do it, transferred inordinate sums of money to pay off student loans and PJO worked a lot of hours. I think things will get easier (and already feel the tide turning). Even if they didn't, I would rather hire whatever help we need to stay sane than sacrifice what I want for my family. I think he will eventually feel the same way when our lives calm down a little bit. But I have to prepare myself for the possibility that he won't.
The day he told me that he is pretty sure he doesn't want anymore, I felt such a loss. I stood over Ellie's crib as I was putting her to bed and sobbed. For someone who almost NEVER cries, this was big. I can't be angry because the decision to have a baby has to be mutual so it's only fair that we each be entitled to our own opinion on the matter. All I can do is be hopeful that he'll change his mind and be grateful for what I do have, which I admit is a lot. But I will still be sad to let that third baby go if I have to. I do love these babies of mine.
3 comments:
This is hard . . . but it's also not something that I would ever expect a man to agree to while a newborn is in the house. The Professor and I agreed on 3 kids before marriage - I had to drag it out of him (I wanted four, he wanted two, so we averaged). When Liam was newborn, he would look at me and seriously say "never again" (to which I would reply - "then Ill just find someone else to make a third baby with me!") But now that Liam is almost two years old, and we're putting away the bottles and the crib and all the baby stuff, P is having a harder time with it than I am. He talks all the time about #3, and about when we'll have a little baby again.
We are seriously considering adopting #3 from a poor country (Haiti, if we can). This is a post in itself, but right now I'm trying on the idea of never being pregnant again, never having a little newborn again (a Haitian adoptee would be a toddler or older when we got her), never having another ultrasound. It's a grief process, and I'm not entirely behind the idea. My big idea now is to have #3 and then adopt #4 - thus getting my way. We'll see who wins.
In any case, my bottom line is - I don't think you have to make this ultimate decision right now. You may both feel differently in a year or two, when Ellie is a big girl!
I agree, wait and see. You're still very young, and your two kids are close in age to each other. Having a third when your youngest is 4 or 5 would be a totally different experience.
I feel EXACTLY the same way as you do! I've always wanted three and, even though I only have one now, I know I will feel incomplete until I have three. The thing with babies is that you will never regret having them because once they are born, you love them so much and get to know them as an essential part of your family. BUT if you stop before you feel ready, that can feel like a huge emptiness for the rest of your life. My mom always wanted more kids but she didn't push my dad. She has always had this sorrow about it. I don't say that to make you feel worse than you do (sorry if that's the case). I think if you really want one, then when the time is right (and Ellie is older) you should approach it again, and again, and again. I know it's a mutual decision, but I really doubt that your husband would feel as badly about having three as you do about only having two! If that makes any sense....?
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