I knew when I had this day that there would eventually be a counterbalance to it. Last week was hard.
It started with a cold. First I was sick, then Timmy. Teething pain followed soon after. The perfect storm. Suddenly, Timmy was a wreck. Every time I put him in his crib, he screamed. Not just crying. Literally, screaming. If I let it, he would continue for hours. Same thing with the bath tub. Screaming. And so, for an entire week, he did not take a real nap. He woke up crying at night a few times too. He wouldn't eat more than a few bites of food I gave him. His attention span was suddenly trimmed to a few minutes and he constantly had to be distracted. Except nothing would distract him enough to keep him from crying. I was sick, tired and miserable. A mini-meltdown ensued.
Never ending to-do lists. Groceries to buy, cleaning to do, Errands to run and dinner to cook. Impossible to complete on the best of days, impossible to start on the worst. I thought this year would offer lots of me-time...I would be able to start reading for pleasure, organize my recipe books and blog all the time! Why is it that I still don't have time? Why is it that I had more "me-time" when I was in law school and even when I was studying for the Bar? Everything that needs to be done falls on my shoulders because, after all, I have nowhere to be and nothing to do.
I never planned on being a stay-at-home mom. Last week was hard and suddenly I felt like I had been trapped in a life I never chose. I threw myself a pity party and let myself wallow for a few days, complaining to PJO and friends that I simply wasn't cut out to be a SAHM.
This job is not one you can leave behind after a rough week and go home to your refuge for a weekend. Saturday morning might as well be a Wednesday; I do the same things except that PJO is home as well. Even though that means there is someone else helping out with the chores and distracting Timmy, I never really get a break. I still need to be there to feed Timmy and I'm the one he seems to want right now when he is cranky.
I used to think that being a working mom could only be characterized as harder and more stressful than a stay-at-home mom because she has to balance career woman, mom, and wife. But now I see that part of the difficulty in staying home with kids is that there is no break. 100% of your energy goes to the same thing every day. Feeling overwhelmed and wishing I was with adults talking about something other than napping, teething and poopy diapers makes me feel guilty for not enjoying every single second that I spend with Timmy. But I think it is impossible to enjoy every single second when you do it every day. It's not a glamorous job, there will inevitably be moments where you would give anything for a small break from it all.
If I had published this last week, I would have left this whiney post right here. But since then, I have realized that exhaustion was a driving force behind this pathetic self-pity. Once Timmy felt better, he was back to being a happy baby who napped (mostly). I was back to being a mom enjoying the good fortune to have this time with her baby and soak up every minute of his babyhood (mostly). And I learned that I need to let things go sometimes. Just because I'm not going into an office every day does not mean that I have time to keep an immaculate house and cook every meal and run every errand. Just because it is sometimes hard to be a stay-at-home mom does not mean that I'm failing at it. Just because I sometimes wish I had a break from being a mom 24/7 does not mean I don't love Timmy to pieces.
I look forward to starting work next October. A year still seems like an eternity. But if I actually had to start working right now, I would be sad and I would not want to leave Timmy and I would wish I had let myself enjoy this time more without worrying about being the perfect housewife and making the SAHM gig look easy. So I am going to go enjoy my day with my son and remember this. And I know next year when I feel overwhelmed at work and I think life would be so much easier if I could quit and go home with Timmy that I will look back and read this post and know that I don't really want that.
2 comments:
I read a quote once where a woman said - being a working mother (meaning WOHM) means missing your kid like absolute crazy while you're at work and then counting the seconds to bedtime once you get home.
Ha!
Anyhoo, I've never been a full time SAHM but even now, in law school, I find that getting the heck out of my house with the kid every single day is important. And taking a "break" day, which is hardly a break because you still have to decide, prepare, and spoon up every morsel that kid consumes (plus the diapers!) But breaking from the norm, rejecting all the errands, buying takeout for dinner, and chucking it all and going to the damn zoo or something is a great mood-booster.
Of course, when they're sick - you're SOL. Then you must rely on complaining on your blog so your mommy readers can all say "Been there. It sucks. I feel ya!"
Glad he's feeling better!
At least you have those moments you wrote about in the other entry to counterbalance the times when you feel down. (I never found myself wishing that time would stop when I was working or in law school, just wishing that it would end).
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