Can't be perfect

My batteries are in desperate need of a re-charge. Usually, the mental lists keep me up at night and in the moments where I am falling asleep, I am categorizing my to-dos and prioritizing the urgent tasks I need to accomplish. Right now, I'm so absent from my life that I don't even really know what the to-dos are.

Last week, I billed 80 hours and then managed to take the weekend off to keep our plans with friends. We drove up to San Luis Obispo and shared a big suite at the famous Madonna Inn with friends who drove down from the bay area. They are college friends and they have two kids, each about a month younger than our kids. It took us about 6 hours driving up Saturday morning in the rain with potty stops and a lunch break. We hung out in the room for a bit before taking the kids to see the Lorax (which was awesome. LOVED it!). We brought back pizza and wine, and the adults sat on the couch and talked all night after the kids went to bed. We all went to breakfast the next morning before driving off our separate ways. 5 hours on the way home, then some laundry and dinner before I dove back into work. This week was more of the same, lots of hours, lots of late nights, shockingly little time with my family and little sleep.

That weekend away was so nice, despite the fact that 11 hours of it were spent in the car. Now that seems like ages ago. I actually am sort of ok with working a lot right now. I don't necessarily love what I'm doing, but I know that work will be slow again at some point and it will be nice to build up some hours while I can so I can enjoy that slow period when it comes. I am also getting some new deals that I am excited about because I feel like I will work with good supervisors and learn a lot. But it's really hard on PJO to basically be taking care of everything, work full-time and try to keep up with the other stuff, like studying for his test. It's not fair to make him do it, but there isn't really another option right now. And the one thing that makes my long hours worse is guilt from him.

So, the big deal that has taken almost all of my time for the past few weeks is supposed to close this week. I have a lot on my plate for when it's done, but hopefully I can manage it and still have some time at night or on the weekends for family. I don't know how people stay at this job for years.

Meanwhile, the kids are doing very well. Timmy has his second swim lesson tomorrow and Ellie has her first! She is just doing the parent and me group lesson (so it's more for fun) and Timmy has a quick private lesson with a teacher he really liked last time. He is quickly leaving behind all traces of toddlerhood and becoming the most fun and sweet little boy to have around. Ellie is getting huge (at 6 months, she's now 95th percentile for height and 75th for weight), moving around the room, trying to crawl, supporting her weight when standing, eating everything she can get her hands on and jabbering away non-stop. They take a bath every night together and both go to bed at 7:30 or 8 and both wake up at 6:30 or so. I feel like we have completely adjusted to having two kids and it's awesome.

Now, if I could just completely adjust to being a working mom. Not sure when, if ever, I'll feel like I'm there.