Teaching a Control Freak to Let Go

From the minute I got pregnant, I knew that the life I knew was over. I have been a stubborn, independent and bossy control freak since I was born. As the oldest child and the only girl in my family, I usually got my way (sometimes by imposing it on my younger brothers with force). No one ever successfully prevented me from doing something just by saying "no." In fact, the little contrarian in me usually insisted that every no eventually become a yes, just for the sake of proving I could change them before they change me. Certain things fall right into their OCD place as a mom...folding Timmy's wash cloths in the same double fold, but stacking them rotating clockwise so all sides of the pile are even...wrapping up each diaper the same way before putting it in the trash (wipes on the inside, wrapped tight) ... putting each book in ascending order by size on the book shelf. But really, I don't control many aspects of my day anymore. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, whether I get anything productive done during the day...that's all largely controlled by Timmy.

It's very hard to accept that I have no control over parts of his life. I've been told that developmentally, you can't "teach" a child to do something they're not ready to do. If they're on the verge of learning it, you may peak their interest by showing them, but they generally don't do something until they're ready. I don't like hearing that when I have the kid who lags behind his peers and shows little interest in catching up.

Gross motor skill wise, he's always been somewhat behind the milestone charts...He didn't roll over until 7 months, didn't crawl until 10 months and at 15 months, he isn't really walking. And even though he started saying words (both audibly and visually with signs) "on schedule" he is frustratingly non-communicative now. Mama and Dada are very clear, but "more" and "milk" are indiscernible from each other and "dog" sort of became "dah(!)" which is used to describe everything. That's all he says. Words he used to know and use, including silly ones like "Elmo", just aren't in his vocab anymore. The way he "talks" to me is by pointing and whining, or crying when he doesn't get what he wants. I can tell he understands what I say to him, but for whatever reason, he doesn't seem interested in responding to it. Right now his doctor seems relatively unconcerned and I know he is still within the realm of "normal." But I hate feeling like something is wrong and there is nothing I can do, or whatever I'm doing isn't working. I try to focus on the things he can do instead of what he can't, but honestly, I would rather Timmy be able to go run around the park and talk to kids his age than sit on the floor and read books to himself. That's the challenge. Figuring out that it doesn't matter what I want...Timmy works on his own schedule, not mine.

It all can cause a headache. But at least he's a pretty cute headache.