Doubt

I imagine when I start working as a lawyer, there will be more that I don't know than do know. There will be trial and error, lots of error, before success and real confidence. It's expected, at least by me. What surprises me is the self-doubt in my job performance as a mother, especially this "late" in the game.

When Timmy was born and in the early months of his life, I was very conscious of my first-time-mom status. Rarely did I feel completely confident in my decision making, and when I did, I was often subsequently proven wrong. I tried my best to follow my instincts, but I figured I better supplement that heavily with research. So I read books and message boards and other blogs. I conducted informal surveys about putting a baby on a schedule, starting solid foods and swaddling. I tried doing things one way and then switched it all up, struggling to discern a difference in the outcome.

The point at which I began to feel more confident and more natural in my role as Timmy's mom happened to coincide with the conclusion of the Bar exam. Nothing that had previously worried me seemed that critical anymore. Timmy was fine, I was fine. Our family felt right and PJO and I started to feel like normal humans again. I realized that even if I didn't do something perfectly, we could roll with the punches and no one would ever know the difference. I also realized that there is no "perfectly." There is no objective right or wrong way to do something in the world of parenting. That's hard to accept when you are used to an academic perspective on life; where there is a right and a wrong way; a good and a better answer.

Today I felt myself sliding back into the doubt. A week and a half ago, Timmy had is 1 year check-up where he received the MMR and the Prevnar vaccine. The doctor warned us that he may develop a fever and a rash within 7-10 days. Later that afternoon, he started coughing and sneezing. This turned into bronchitis a few days later, replete with wheezing, fever and horrible sleeping patterns. Monday he started feeling better and Tuesday he was almost back to normal, with just a little runny nose. But Tuesday night I noticed he felt really hot before bed. His temperature was 103.5. He's had a high fever since then. The doctor says I don't need to bring him in unless there is no change tomorrow.

I went down the path of no return today and googled "MMR fever" and "MMR fever how long" to see if this was within the realm of normal and stumbled upon all the horror stories of kids becoming seriously ill or dying after developing a very high fever from the MMR shot. This is also one of the vaccines that some people claim is linked to autism in children. While I had heard about this all before (but never really researched), it suddenly knocked the wind out of me. What would I do if something horrible happened to Timmy from this vaccine? Would that mean I failed him as a mother by not at least researching this all before just doing what the doctors suggested? People that claim the vaccine and autism are related say that their children suddenly forgot skills they had mastered and regressed in certain areas soon after receiving the shot. All of the sudden, I find myself watching Timmy life a hawk: Is he forgetting how to say things or clap his hands because of the vaccine? Or am I being completely ridiculous because he's lethargic and has a high fever, of course he doesn't want to freakin clap his hands and sing and dance right now!

I forced myself to back away and turn off the computer because I knew there was nothing I could find on google to soothe me today. The only thing that will make me feel better is Timmy feeling better. I'm sure he will tomorrow or soon after that. But there is nothing like a sick child to remind you that you hold a life/lives in your hands and unlike a paying client, nothing in the world could make you feel better if you screw up on the job.