Professional Identity Crisis

I've been absent for a long time. I've felt too busy to write, but I know that's not the real cause of my silence. I guess I've also just been uninspired. There are days where I really enjoy what I do, but on the whole, I'm not happy with my job. My kids are both great these days, near perfect even, but no one really wants to hear me talk about how great my kids are. The truth is, most days are the same...wake up early, rush out the door, drop off kids, go to work and try to bill as much as I can before leaving to either pick up the kids or meet PJO at home to help rush through dinner and bathtime/bedtime. Once kids are asleep, try to motivate to clean up, unpack and re-pack lunches and then do more work, but usually fail at one or all three of those things. Weekends have mostly been reserved for catching up on all of the stuff I should have been accomplishing during the week but didn't get around to doing, plus one or two fun things. I have been reading blogs through google reader, but for some reason, logging in to comment always seems like a herculean task. Every once in a while, the stars will align and I will find both a really compelling post AND the motivation to comment, but mostly I'm just really lazy. Today is my two year anniversary of starting at the Firm. Looking back at where I was two years ago and where I am now makes me really miss the regular interaction I used to have with people who understood me here in this online community. When everyone in law school thought I was insane for having a baby during my third year, I turned to this blog and had support from people all over who had done or were doing the same thing. When I started in the real world as a junior lawyer / mom, I had the benefit of the experience of everyone that had gone before me and blogged about it to help guide me. Now, as a mom of two young kids working at a job that completely overwhelms me most days, it helps to see that I'm not the only one. Reading about other moms struggling to find balance at least makes me feel like maybe the problem is the situation and not my lack of parenting or lawyering skills. But at the same time, saying "me too" to everything I read without a plan to make any changes also sends me into this downward spiral of seeing only the the negative aspects of this job and not being willing to try to make it work. I'm nervous to talk too honestly about the job or my plans to change or leave it because I have no idea when any of that could happen and the only thing worse than the status quo would be getting fired and having no plan of action. But this is the time when I would really love to hear what other people think. When I need to hear people say that I'm justified in thinking the demands are unreasonable or even that the grass is always greener and nothing else will actually be better. Maybe I just need ideas for where to go next or what to do. And when I think about the conversations I want to have, I am sad that I have let this blog become an empty shell with links to stories of my life back when I thought I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be. So, maybe I can get myself back into the habit of writing more often and posting the comments I have in my head when I read other blogs. Even if no one ever reads this blog again, at least I may get some clarity on the thousands of contradictory thoughts crashing into one another in my head. I'll start with the obvious subject ... my job. I loved law school. Loved every second of it. But so far, I haven't really loved being a lawyer. Most days, I feel like a glorified secretary. Even when I'm drafting contracts or agreements, it's usually just changing certain facts and names in a form. Being at a big firm, there just aren't that many opportunities to take charge of the matters I am working on and be involved in the big picture decision making. I would describe my role as implementing the strategy that the partners decide on for the deal. I have really enjoyed some of the pro bono matters I've been involved with, such as helping a non-profit form a corporation and apply for tax-exempt status. Working on that, I get to research the statutes, figure out what will be the best strategy for these people and then draft the documents to make it happen. But drafting my 1,000th secretary certificate or collecting signature pages, even on a major $2 billion deal, just isn't thrilling. In the latter half of this year, I've been promoted to working on the ancillary documents for these deals. And what I've found is that "negotiating" an environmental indemnity or security agreement often is just conforming those documents to what the partner decided to do in the credit agreement. At some point, if I stick around long enough, I would be the one deciding with the client (or the tax experts most likely) how to structure the deal. But I'm not sure that seems exciting enough to devote an entire career to it. If I ever made equity partner here, it would mean a starting salary of just under $2 million a year. But that would be after 10-12 years of making work my #1 priority and it would require a perfect storm of having a decent book of business, a practice area that the firm sees a future in but where no one else ahead or below me will make partner and the other intangible qualities that make you "partner material." There are no female transactional partners in my office. I am a second year with two kids. I think the odds of me making partner (even if I wanted to) are about 1 in 1000. And the important point is that I don't want to. I have no idea what I will want in 5, 10 or 15 years. But right now, I want balance. I want to be able to work out without having to wake up before 5:00 am to do it. I want to be able to cook something that takes more than 20 minutes and still have time to sit down as a family and eat it before having to start bath time. I want to sit with my husband at night and just talk or watch tv without staring guiltily at my work computer that I haven't turned on. I want to sleep 7 hours a night. I want to never hear my son say something like "I was crying at school today because I was waiting for you to pick me up" again. And I want to be able to stay home with my daughter when she feels miserable instead of sticking her in daycare for 9 hours. It may be that I have just talked myself out of the possibility of liking this job. It may be that there is no other job out there that will afford me the kind of balance I want. Honestly, at this point in my life, even a 9-5 job wouldn't really do that (even though it would be a million times better than what I have). But I am ok with leaving and foreclosing any potential return to Big Law. I can't say that for sure about being a lawyer. I think what I really need is a break. I've thought about just quitting altogether and being a stay-at-home mom for a while. I've been a stay-at-home mom before and I didn't love it. Most days were fairly mundane and the schedule totally dictated by nap schedule. Figuring out how to keep myself and a 1 year old entertained was surprisingly difficult, especially when we couldn't afford to go to music classes or the zoo or lunch dates. Beyond the parenting, I was in charge of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, making trips to the post office and dry cleaner, etc... To be honest, I really enjoy being able to farm a lot of that stuff out. And I recall wanting, and needing, my husband to take over bath time during the week and parenting duties for a few hours on weekends so I could just have a break. Even then, it felt like there was always more I could be doing too, like organizing pictures and videos or deep cleaning the bathroom or taking him to a new park that was further away. I'll save the more detailed post about my fears of becoming a stay-at-home mom for another day. Suffice it to say that my (very strong) preference is to work part-time. I am officially on the look-out for the next thing.