To the extent we ever "make it work" with our two full-time careers and two kids, it's because PJO and I have different types of jobs which carry different kinds of demands on our time. PJO's job tends to be pretty regular, even if ridiculously strict on face-time. His group has received several emails from the boss saying you must be at work by 8am. If you show up at 8:01, please turn around and take a personal day. (I realize that there are probably lots of jobs out there where you have to punch a clock, but it still seems absurd to me). It's a rare day where he cannot leave work at 5:30pm. He doesn't really have flexibility to leave during the day or just work from home, but he also avoids work on the nights and weekends for the most part.
My job is obviously more "flexible" if I need it to be. No one knows or cares when I get in to the office, whether I leave in the middle of the day for a doctor's appointment, whether I'm working from home or whether I leave early. Unless I have a deal closing or some other assignment that really requires me to be in my office, the only thing that matters is that I put the hours in, and if that is at night, that's usually ok.
So our "normal" routine (which seems to happen almost never), is that we wake up when Timmy storms into our room at 5:45 or 6. PJO is always ready first so he goes downstairs with Timmy to get breakfast. I head downstairs by 6:45 or so and get Ellie some breakfast. PJO leaves the house around 7:30 and I try my best to gather everything we need to get to daycare and wrangle the kids into the car by 7:45. They can be difficult in the morning.
If I leave the house at 7:45, I'll drop them off at daycare and get to the office by 8:45. PJO usually leaves to pick up the kids and I usually try to meet them when they get home around 6 so that we can eat dinner together and do bath and bedtime. Both kids have been fed, bathed, and put to bed by 7:15 or 7:30. Then the goal is that we clean up from dinner, clean out lunch boxes and pack up lunches for the next day.
Lately, PJO's job has required MUCH MORE of his time than 8-5:30. He has been getting in early, staying late, working from home and working weekends. In the beginning of October, this was ostensibly for a huge project that would basically determine his year-end bonus and was supposed to be finished by October 19th. Then it got pushed and now won't be done until November 9th. Meanwhile, I've been really busy at work and, because I've had to increase my share of pick-ups and drop-offs, have had to stay up really late at home to finish my work. I am really sleep deprived and cranky.
Last weekend, PJO had to go to NYC for a bachelor party. He was only gone Friday night through Sunday afternoon, but I couldn't get any work done during this time. I had expected to be able to head in to the office early Monday and really hunker down and get stuff done. Until PJO got a text from his boss Sunday night telling him to be in by 7am Monday.
"Can't you just say no?" I demanded. "I need to go do work. Why does your job automatically trump mine?" I stormed upstairs to quiet down the baby who PJO didn't seem to hear.
I just want to cry and scream "it's not fair!" PJO gets annoyed when he is the only one making lunches for the next day, and I'm annoyed if he watches TV and waits for me to be done with work until he starts. I feel like he should be doing more of the drop-offs and pick-ups because school is much more out of the way for me than him. When I complain about not being able to get something done, he tells me to wake up earlier. Getting 5 hours or less of sleep on a regular basis is not an option that I want to seriously consider.
I hate that we are bickering with each other when we should be acting like a team. It also doesn't help that our kids are often the first ones dropped off and the last ones picked up at their school. Even though Timmy really likes his school and seems genuinely happy there, he asks me all the time if he can please stay home today.
We clearly need to make some sort of change. This is not the busiest I have ever been at work by a long shot and we can definitely get by day to day. But there is a constant level of stress that seems much higher than ever before. It's more like a dull, painful headache that just makes everything more difficult but doesn't stop you in your tracks. Maybe I just notice it more now that I'm fed up with this lifestyle and am determined to change it. Either way, I am slightly terrified at how busy our department is predicting work will be for year-end. Some quality time with my family over the holidays is just what I need. I really hope I get that.
3 comments:
That sounds so stressful. I agree, this is the time when you need to pull together, and it's so easy to feel resentful when you're both doing so much.
Do you know anyone else who has a biglaw job that's similar to yours? Does your husband understand what it's like? Because I would also be really annoyed if my husband were sitting around purposely waiting for me to finish my work so I could help him with stuff for the kids, instead of just pitching in and doing it. When your job is this demanding, you just can't have equality around the house on a daily basis.
For us, he often picks up the slack during the week, but then when he has a busy time or travels, I'm on deck. I think one reason it's often tough for women in jobs like ours is that our husbands are not always willing to do everything that needs to be done with the house and kids during the times when we're working like crazy and not sleeping enough. I feel very lucky in this respect, even though I'm sure we both need to squelch those resentful feelings on a regular basis.
Have you thought about getting a nanny, maybe just in the morning or just for pickup/dinner time?
I am so sorry that things suck right now. I am very glad, however, that you're honest about how hard being a mom, a wife, and a Big Law worker can be. I am currently working for the government and a ton of my coworkers are jumping to firms after a few years. I obviously see the financial advantages, but I don't know (realistically) how I could keep my head above water. You seem like an awesome mom and wife - and your family is lucky to have you. Hang in there - and know you're getting hugs from the blogosphere.
I'm sorry it's so much right now. And hearing about wanting to stay home -- that's the stuff that broke my heart.
I think CM's solution is ideal, especially if you can find someone who can get dinner in the oven for you, too. That way when you spend the time with family, it's the very best part of the day, instead of the most stressful.
Hugs.
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