Work is still pretty slow. Supposedly lots of transactions are "in the pipelines" but no work from those has reached me yet. When I am bored, I tend to spend my time thinking about things that don't matter and obsessing over future plans. The problem is, when I'm bored my job satisfaction is greatly reduced. Which means that lately I've been worried about how I'm going to be happy at this job. Even when I'm bored, I am still away from home for a relatively long time each day and yet there is no counter-balance; no feeling that the time I spend away from Timmy is worth it because I'm learning so much and starting a great career and doing something that is intellectually stimulating. Then I start worrying that if I'm not happy when I actually have nights and weekends free, how will I be ok when I am so busy that I don't have time for sleep, much less anything fun? And this is a good example of thinking about things that don't matter because I'm not going to voluntarily leave this job anytime soon. I doubt I could find another job right now and I need the money from this job to pay my billz. Plus, assuming work picks up, I think this place will give me the best experience I can hope for in a first job. So, for now, I'm here and there is really no reason to think twice about it.
But, I see no reason why I should avoid examining my feelings about the prospects of staying here long term. Let's just say I don't see myself here long term. Assuming I have a choice in the matter, which I believe I will, when I "grow up" I want to have a job where the work stays confined to 9am-5pm (or so). I want to have time in the morning to work out or read the newspaper or eat breakfast with my family. And I want to come home with enough time to make dinner and sit down at the table with the whole family all at once. And I want to know that I can spend the evenings playing games with my kids or watching TV or reading books or doing crafts or helping my kids with their homework or ...going to sleep early! Weekends should be reserved for soccer games or family hikes or trips to the farmer's market. Date night with my husband. Pancakes on Sunday mornings. I think this down time is completely necessary for me to feel connected to my family, happy as a well-rounded person and satisfied with all aspects of my life.
At times like now where I'm not doing anything very interesting anyway, I can definitely say that I would prefer this schedule with less-challenging or interesting work to a hectic schedule with more challenging or interesting work. That may change. But unless I feel completely satisfied with a job, I can't see myself justifying a work-life balance where I am ok with giving up family dinner time and weekend soccer games in order to work. That balance may be weighted far more heavily towards life than some people need; I can't say that female partners at my firm are unhappy, but I certainly am not envious of any of their lives. The partner that has two young kids seems relatable until I find out she has one live-in nanny and one other full-time nanny. I don't know for sure how much time she spends with her kids, but I am positive it's less than I want to spend with my own.
So does this mean I should not have gone to law school? I'm not sure. I loved law school but I can't say with certainty that I love or will always love being a lawyer. I am thankful that my JD opens up more job opportunities for me than my bachelor's degree did. I am thankful that I have the job I have now, but I am also glad that the salary that goes along with it is enough to pay off my student loans quickly so that I will have more of a choice in terms of where to work in the future.
4 comments:
even though i don't have a kiddo at home, being slow (super slow in our case) at work has sent me down a very similar rabbit hole of wondering "what if" and "what next." i don't have any answers, but i'm glad i'm not the only one having these thoughts after working for such a short time.
we have a lot of female associates with young kids in our office... there don't seem to be many nannies, but there are numerous stay-at-home-husbands.
I have been working at a big firm for 2.5 years, and I have to tell you that what I've learned is that I always go down the planning-for-the-future-away-from-the-firm route when I'm not busy. I think LL has similar job dissatisfaction when she's not busy. Being bored really is the worst.... So, I would say reevaluate once you do get a "full load," and the enjoyment you get out of work might cause you to reevaluate. Things do shift in priorities when you feel like you are doing a good job and learning a lot.
Also, if you ever find this mythical 9-5 job you describe, please hire me.
It's tough. I've learned that I'll have cases I love and cases I hate. And so its not just the "not busy" times that make me feel complacent, unhappy and resentful (they do) . . . but sometimes the "busy" times are on a case I don't love, and then, really, I just want to be home. But, then there's the "busy on a case I love" times where it somehow recharges me. This is not an easy career path. And while I would love more of the life-balance than what I have, financially, its not in the cards for us. Unless you can point me to a 9 - 5'er that will pay me what BigLaw does!!! hang in there . . . there are lots and lots and lots of ups and downs and everything in between in this career, and I do hope you get something soon that makes the time away from home more exciting, at the very least.
-A
As a fellow first-year at a big firm, I feel like I could have written this post. Thank you!
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