My stint as a full-time stay-at-home mom is nearly halfway over. Since finishing the bar exam and spending 24-7 with Timmy at home, I've vacillated between trying to soak up every millisecond of being nothing more and nothing less than his mom and wishing I could start working 10 months before my deferment expires. I've struggled with my identity and what my purpose in life is, having gone through three years of school and three months of bar exam torture to watch Oprah and eat bon bons every day (kiddddddding!!).
Turning one has made Timmy transform from a sweet, cuddly but unpredictable baby into an interactive, fun and loving toddler. I find myself laughing at him and his funny faces, silly dancing and hilarious noises all day long. I never let go first when he "hugs" me, I squeeze back as long as he tolerates it. I let him dictate the pace of the day rather than trying to plan events far in advance. I'm finding that keeping busy and getting out is essential to sanity and peace. Basically, I'm getting better at being a full-time mom, my kid is becoming a unique individual and I'm starting to love every minute I have with him.
During the first 8 months or so of his life, I didn't feel like I could possibly work full-time. I couldn't miss a second of his babyhood. I couldn't function at 100% because I was a little sleep-deprived and slightly emotionally unstable, wrapped up in my baby completely. It wasn't because I thought he needed me and no one else (although he sort of did since I was breastfeeding). It was that I needed him all the time. I wanted to give 100% of myself to him. I wanted to remember every second with total clarity forever.
Then I began to feel like I was sort of returning to my old, pre-baby self and wanting to find my identity without being completely tied to a baby. I wanted time to myself, time to act like I was 26 years old. It's not that I loved him less, but I started to remember that I was more than just a mom.
Now that he is beginning to remember more, develop his own personality, display preferences and tastes and want to hang out with me, I find that I want to be with him because he will enjoy it and remember things I do with him. Soon he'll be able to tell me what he did during the day or reenact things I missed. But it will be a long time before he cares about what I do during the day when I'm away from him.
I think a lot of parenting will be this way; I will benefit at least twice as much by being Timmy's mom as he does by being my son. It will be hard to do anything unless it will be good for him or beneficial to our family. And that is why I struggle already with what shape my career will take. I would love to find success working at the Firm and put 110% of myself into developing my career there. I want to make my supervisors proud and earn the trust of my co-workers and clients. I want to feel satisfied and fulfilled. But how will I ever spend the vast majority of Timmy's waking hours away from him? I have this doubt not because I think he won't thrive and grow without my watchful eye over him, but because I'm not sure how I can thrive and grow without his giggle within earshot.
The first lesson in becoming a parent is foregoing selfish desires to better provide for your family. I have to work for a while, pay off debt, buy a house that my kids can run around in and save for their college tuition. I want to set a good example for my kids and have a career they can be proud of too. But part of me selfishly wants to work less and spend much more time with my kids as they grow up. Sometimes I think, "why would I go through the trouble of law school and the bar to not have a long, illustrious career as a lawyer." Why didn't it occur to me before that I would ever question going through the trouble of having children and then not devoting myself completely to being their mom? I want to believe I can have both and I am still convincing myself that is true, because it will HAVE to be my life for at least a few years. And I mostly WANT it to be my life.
Then there is the part of me that wonders if I am cheating myself.
4 comments:
Wow. Exactly how I feel. I want to work AND I want to stay at home with my daughther. How to reconcile those two wants is the dilemma.
It is so hard. I went back to work when Jack was 6 weeks, and it nearly killed me. Everyone said - he'll be fine! And I was like - whatever, dude, it's ME I'm worried about. I missed him beyond all sense and reason, and I would've quit in a minute if I wasn't the sole breadwinner.
Now that I'm in law school and get to kick it with him most of the day, it is so fun. I never want it to end. But we, too, suffer from extreme student loans (even prior to law school) - extreme health care costs - extreme lack of retirement and college funds. One salary won't get us there, we tried for a few years. Sigh.
I wish we could all have a 30 hour work week. I'd go in at 5 in the morning (since he wakes at 8), so that I could get a jumpstart and only miss part of his day. It would be the perfect blend. Argh. It is so hard to handle these competing desires.
I think that you can and will make it work. It may not always run perfectly smooth, but you will do the best that you can. You are lucky to have a supportive and loving husband who will hopefully pick up the slack for you when you have to work later than expected.
I'm really looking forward to hearing about how you make it work for your family when you start work.
Gillian, how flawless would that schedule be?! I know an attorney who now practices family law...her schedule is basically what mine was 3L spring...MWF 8am - 1pm. Obviously she doesn't make as much as she would working full-time, but she loves her job AND gets to spend tons of time with her two young kids. I. Want. That.
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