Yesterday I stood in front of the mirror before jumping into the shower and was horrified to discover the shape my boobs have taken. My once perky 34Ds have shrunken into flat and misshapen, not quite a handful, definitely not perky, breasts. I no longer feel that I can refer to them as boobs because there is nothing youthful or fun about them. It's definitely the worst side effect of pregnancy and nursing. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm about 10 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. Side note: why is it that when you lose weight, the first place impacted is your boobs; but that is the last place to catch up when you gain weight? So unfair. But I digress.
This sent me into a spiral of self-consciousness and self-loathing. Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic, but like every other woman I know, there are things about my appearance I will always feel uncomfortable about. Wishing I could change this, alter that, snip this, enhance that.
I think the first time I every thought about improving my appearance was in 7th grade. I grew 8 inches in two years. I TOWERED over all my peers, but especially boys. I was so skinny that I looked anorexic. I longed for a surgery that would make me shorter and more curvy. I wanted to bind my feet so they would fit into a size 7 shoe instead of being clown feet. I suddenly became conscious of my big nose and wondered when I would be able to get a nose job.
Over the years, there were things added to my list of "what I want to change." I wished for clearer skin, hair with more body, easier to groom eyebrows, straighter teeth, etc... My gosh, the list could go on forever. But I realized that I was never going to actually do anything drastic about it. I would never get plastic surgery. That's so unnatural. I would no longer be myself.
When the whole Heidi Montag shit show hit the news a week or two ago, I felt physically ill. Here was a once cute girl who had transformed herself into a disgusting, fake, transvestite look-alike. It's easy for me to diagnose her as suffering from irrational self-image issues. Obviously. I wanted to shake her and make her realize that she was already pretty, so STOP ALREADY. But are her's so different from my irrational body issues? Sure, she's acting on it. Sure, she's splashing it all over the internet, desperately trying to extend her 15 minutes. But at the root, I think it's the same problem. Not really accepting yourself as beautiful or perfect. Comparing yourself to some non-existent, perfectly airbrushed image of what beauty is.
I'm not afraid to admit that I don't think of myself as beautiful. Pretty, sometimes. Maybe. I've had periods of feeling more comfortable in my own skin, but I've never reached full acceptance. I try to project myself as confident and satisfied, but I usually have to rely on non-physical aspects to reach that point. I'm smart, I can make friends easily, I am fun to be around.
For most parents, having a child or children to set an example for changes perspective on what is important. I think Timmy is perfect in every way. I want him to feel good about who he is, and see himself as I see him. I want him to know that he can do whatever he sets his mind to, and I want him to surround himself with people who will remind him of how great he is. I certainly want him to stay away from self-destructive behavior and physically destructive surgery. How hypocritical is that for me to want him to do all the things that I can't or won't do for myself? I see some of my features in his appearance, but in him, they look perfect and beautiful. I can't even imagine how much more poignant this would be if Timmy were a girl.
Am I crazy? Am I the only "smart and confident" girl who feels this way?
5 comments:
I HATE my boobs now. I wasn't perfect to begin with (I was a size AA!- that's smaller than an A cup) but I could deal. Now, I hate looking in the mirror. Especially when all you see if full, perky boobs on tv. I feel so inadequate, almost less female. I HATE it. I know I need to get over it but it's always bothers me. I have such boob envy. I hate the idea of any kind of cosmetic surgery and I squirm at the thought of having to go under and then recover (a necessary c-section was bad enough). But sometimes i think, just maybe, I'll suck it up and go for it- then I hate myself for being tempted. UGH!
I know how you feel though about wanting your child to be confident and not selfdestructive when you can't even take your own advice.
Sigh. Beauty, youth, sleep, the things we give up for our children.
I'm joining you girls on the boob-hating train. My extra belly skin is not noticeable when I stand up (though doing downward facing dog in yoga is a pretty horrifying experience), but the extra boob skin has turned them into a pair of tube socks, half filled with sand, stapled to my chest. They were never that big (just barely a B), but now they're small and drooooooopy. Well, right now I'm pregnant again so they're fabulous. But anyway, I have seriously considered some surgery after I have my last kid. I wouldn't get implants, but I would be very open to some kind of tuck of the loose skin, on both areas. We'll never do it because I can't imagine spending that money, but I never hated my body before and I really, really hate looking at it now. It seems almost worth it to me, to erase the self loathing.
And then I feel self loathing for feeling self loathing.
This is why I tell all my girlfriends to definitely be married before you have children. Not for religious or moral reasons - just because you won't want to be getting naked with anyone new after you birth a child! At least the husband is chained to me now for life!
Is it possible to donate boobage? I HATE having large breasts. It's physically incumbering and my clothes never fit right. My suit jackets are two sizes larger than my pants/skirts, and dresses are a nightmare. It's ridiculous. At least if you don't have boobs, you can buy a wonderbra and still fill out your clothes. When you have too much, it's just all falling out.
Once I'm done growing babies, I want a breast reduction and a tummy tuck. I've come to terms with my large Italian nose, but I just want things put back where they used to be!
I just console myself that nobody but me and my husband will ever see them.
i plan on having a boob job when i'm finished with kids, so far no stomach skin but if i wind up with that i'm getting that fixed too. whether it's to get the boobs you never had or to get back to what you were, neither goal is at all shameful. and if you pick a good surgeon and pay for quality medical care, chances of anything going wrong are so very minor. my mom's best friend had a boob job after she was finished with kids, she went from absolutely the flattest woman i have ever seen to some really cute Bs. i think it's great!
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