On those days, I'm just going to remind myself of this:
this is just me selfishly clinging to a passing phase of infancy, when I was all he needed in the world, when I truly got to be his everything. When I could see his rolly thighs and those numbers on the scale and proudly think: Me! All me! I did that! He used to be a zygote and now! LOOK AT WHAT MY BODY CAN DO! (thumps chest, swaggers away, awwwyeah)
.....
But. I've loved nursing this baby. ...I love his face when he knows he's going to eat -- big eyes, open mouth, excited breathing and arm flailing. I love how he sighs contentedly after a few swallows. How he looks up at me with wide, adoring eyes. How he takes a break to smile at me right before nuzzling back against me. I love how, when he's really good and hungry and I'm taking too long for his liking, he lets out a squawky, impatient shriek. When I think about everything I have done with with only one hand over the past four months -- phone calls, bills, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, this very entry -- I laugh, and I love it.
I know it's not something I'll probably ever talk to him about -- what young man wants to hear about breastfeeding from their mother, oh my goooood -- so I'm very cheesily treasuring and relishing this relationship for now, for as long as I can. I wanted to do this for him, but never reaized how much it would be for me, too.
I mean, I didn't even know I felt this way until I read her post. And then a light bulb went off and I thought to myself "Yes! What she said!" Now I can see that how I feel about breastfeeding is the same way I feel about Timmy's whole infancy... I want to soak up every fleeting minute of it so that I never look back and wish I just enjoyed it more. Part of me thinks that I can always just enjoy it with the next kid, but you can't ever really be sure what the future holds, so just live in the moment. And that's what I am going to do.
Milk Induced Coma:
The Milk Belly, in full effect:
2 comments:
omg, that was a great quote! that is exaclty how I used to feel about breastfeeding too. I really like it until I had to go back to school and pump (I hate pumping). I loved seeing him get bigger and knowing it was all because of me!
But now I only nurse about twice a day and I love this phase too (although I was skeptical about this phase). I love my new freedom- I am more confident that he is getting the amount he needs and I can relax when other people are watching him because there is always more formula.
I will miss his dependency on just me- but the freedom feels amazing too! Just walking around school without my breast pump bag gives me euphoria!
oh and TIMMY IS A CUTIE!!!
i feel the same way about breastfeeding too. that's why i'm suprised when i hear about women who don't even give it a shot, because those of us who end up really liking it never knew that we would feel this way when we started.
Post a Comment