Well, I like to think of my childcare arrangement in a similar way. I had two weeks at home with Timothy when he was born. Then for my first three weeks back at school, my mom was here to watch him. Starting today, our babysitter is with him while I have class. Eventually, we'll hire someone for the two months that I study for the bar after I graduate (I think a college student on summer break), and then he'll enroll in a daycare (probably) when I start working at the firm.*
It was amazing to have my mom here. I partially realized this while she was here, but it really hit me today. Not only did she completely take over the nights before I had class by keeping the baby monitor with her and just waking me up when he was hungry, but she really, really loves being with Timmy. Having someone here with so much experience who honestly wants to be with him just for the sake of being with him? Can't beat that. And I looked forward to coming home and hanging out with both of them. And it was totally ok to nurse or pump in front of her.
Now it's ... different ... with our babysitter. She's the wife of a guy who was in my section at law school first year. She is great, and nice and fun and loves kids, but it's just not the same. She doesn't have much experience with newborns, so I don't feel as comfortable. Obviously if I felt uncomfortable leaving him with her, I wouldn't do it. But there is just a big difference between someone your own age and the person who raised you from birth. It's just the little things that render the situation less than perfect. Since she is a part-time student, I know that she would love to get homework done while he naps. But then I think maybe she isn't giving him enough attention if he is awake because she just wants him to sleep. And she doesn't quite know his different cries, so she tried feeding him when he wasn't hungry instead of just rocking him.
But then I realize, I have done the same thing. I have wished he would sleep so I could get work done. And I have been completely oblivious to what his cries mean (I still don't always know what he wants). Somehow it's very different when I do it though.
She gets here at 8am and leaves at 1:15pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I can kind of handle this ... I think. But DAMN, it is much harder to leave a new baby with a babysitter than it is to leave him with his Grandma. I didn't cry... that's not really my style. But I did lay in bed last night trying to convince myself that it would all be fine instead of getting that elusive sleep I so desperately need.
I think I'm also starting to feel like Timmy is a person, my son, instead of just a baby who needs to be taken care of. He totally knows who PJO and I are now. He smiles and laughs at us. He stares at us for what feels like forever. I know that he is fine with just about anyone who will feed him and hold him at this point, but I just feel like if it's not me taking care of him, he deserves someone at least as good as I am. It's a weird struggle. I still don't have a desire to stay home at all times with him, but I do want to make sure he's in the best hands at all times. I'm sure it will be hard once I'm working full time to be away, but I think if I find really great childcare, I'll be ok. In a dream world, my mom could just be our nanny. In the real world, I'm sure I'll struggle every day with wondering who the right person is to take care of him.
* Who knows when that will be. We're supposed to find out our start dates in March. Up until now, new associates have always had a choice between early September, early October and early November, but as long as you started before December 1st, you would keep your class standing (important for bonuses, etc...). Now the rumor is that our start dates are going to be pushed back because of the economy, and I've heard everything from late October to January of 2010! It's weird to think I might be a stay at home mom for 5 months, I'm not sure I could handle it!
4 comments:
So - here's some unsolicited advice for you. Heh. Make sure you're happy with your childcare. Trust your instincts. I went with an older lady with a grown son for the very reasons you discussed. I felt more comfortable leaving my newborn with her than with somebody less experienced.
Also - in the beginning I didn't think I could ever stand being a stay-at-home mom, either. And yet now the older my son becomes, the more I can't stand the thought of being away from him. I hate leaving him with somebody else when I would love to spend time with him. So ... you may be surprised by changing your mind later.
Ok - and lastly? Nursing a baby with teeth feels no different from nursing one without teeth, believe it or not. I used to wonder that, too, when I heard about people nursing older babies or toddlers. If they're latching on right, they aren't using their teeth at all. Anyway, I thought I wasn't going to nurse past 6 months and yet here I am at 18 months. Oh well ... I guess the lesson is "never say never."
I am so lucky Jacob has two sets of grandparents nearby- I can't imagine how hard it must be for you!
Second everything Trannyhead said.
And we too, had fits and starts with childcare due to the summer and school schedules being different, and my husband's paternity leave (which he totally recommends to all men - you should look into it - PFL, which men get too - definitely a benefit of living in California).
But having a nanny you trust can make all the difference. We have an experienced nanny now, and we LOVE her. She has obvious affection for the kid, and my kid is excited to see her.
Thanks for the advice. I feel much better about the babysitter now. For me it was a balance...I wish she had more experience with newborns but I love that I know her and can completely trust her. Plus, as a practical matter, she's within our budget, which is also important.
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