Gender Roles

Sometimes, I listen to Dr. Laura's radio show if I'm in my car during the middle of the day. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but part of me loves it. I definitely don't agree with everything she says or stands for, but I do love the matter-of-fact way that she tells people what to do and why she's right. I also love getting a glimpse into other people's lives and hearing how they're going to deal with their problems.
Anyway, the other day she read this poem about children needing their mothers:

The Children unguided
From being left alone
Mom is at work
She's never at home -

Mom buys them Nikes
Gives dollars and dimes
When all they really want
Is a little of her time -

It all starts with daycare
The "MOM" can't really cope
Her career's more glamorous
She drops them off with hope -

Hoping that they will surely
Learn Love, Trust & Life
From a "beautiful teacher" who's
Not even Daddy's wife -

Daycare behind them
They start public school
No music, No art,
But a long list of rules -

She never comes to visit
Her office is "too far away"
And when she gets home
She's too tired to play -

No time for shopping
For food she can make
She turns on the TV
(they wish Mom would bake) -

No time to ask questions
The telephone has her ear
Her girlfriend's conversation
Has better stuff to hear -

Bedtime is lonely
Mom's busy as a bee
"Night, night" she calls
As she types another key -

No time for bedtime stories
No prayers to be said
They lay there kinda lonely
Alone in their bed -

Lonely turns to bitter
And bitter has no end
Being unimportant is
Too big a hole to mend -

Cooking for your family
Is proof of love alive
Listening to your children
Can help them to arrive -

To now, the present moment
It's all your kids have got
Don't make them keep your schedule
Be there to hug them a lot -

A child can give you EVERYTHING
If you can just sit still
Quit your job, raise your child
STAY HOME, Moms, if you will!


It made me want to vomit. Whenever people disrespect or belittle a mother's choice to work in such a blunt way, I think it's ignorant. There are clearly benefits to both staying-at-home and to working, for both moms and their families.

Dr. Laura basically advocates that all mothers stay at home with their kids, and basically be the perfect, supportive and domesticated wife/girlfriend to their husbands. Obviously, this is not something I will be doing if my career plans come to fruition. But to be honest, I can't really decide whether I agree with her premise. I don't think the issue is black and white like she paints it to be, but I do wonder if hers is one recipe for happiness.

There is something really simple and sweet about a family where the man works, and the woman stays home and raises the kids. I didn't grow up with this at all, so it's not like I have an impression that this is the "right" way to do it. But I do think that in this sort of family structure, everyone is interdependent... the woman and the man need each other to do what they do in order to survive, and the kids need their parents just like the parents need their kids. With a strong foundation of love and respect, I think this could make for a really strong family unit.

But part of me thinks that these gender roles in a marriage or a family are not necessary or even optimal to producing a great family. I think there is inevitable classification by importance of the husband and wife (and subsequent subjugation of the wife)in the "traditional" family... while no one doubts that the mother performs a really important job by raising children, she is kind of secluded from society and her job at its most basic level requires no education or independent thought to get by day-to-day (NOT that I think SAHMs have no independent thought or education!!!). The man, on the other hand, interacts with adults, has a career, and provides the sole means by which his family is sustained financially. There is something beautiful and right (in my view) about a husband and wife who are really equal partners in life... who share the tasks that a family needs to do in order to thrive... they both work and bring in income, they both clean and cook, they both raise children, and they both shower one another with love and affection.

Obviously I have sort of made my decision about how I want my family to be, even if it is by default. I chose to go to law school and chose to have a career, so Dr. Laura's version of family life wouldn't be an option for me (at least for now) even if I wanted it. This doesn't mean that I am completely, 100% convinced that the way my family will be structured will be perfect, or even the best way for me and PJO and our child(ren). I mean, I love cooking and cleaning and being with kids, so I would probably enjoy the things I would do if I were a stay at home mom. But I also think I would go crazy if that were ALL I ever did. Because I also love analyzing legal issues, dressing up for work and having adult conversation, bringing home a paycheck that pays our bills and lets us enjoy some luxuries, and most of all, I love being able to earn people's respect for who I am. A big part of who I am is a person who is proud of what she has learned and her ability to use that to help other people do their job better.
I wouldn't doubt at all my decision to have a career as a lawyer if PJO and I never had kids. But obviously I want to make sure that my children are given everything that PJO and I can give them. In the back of mind, I will probably always wonder if I am doing them a favor or a disservice by working and not being home with them.

I think I am just as conflicted when it comes to gender roles outside of the family context. I have always been somewhat of a tomboy... I was an athlete through my first year of college and usually more of my friends are male. At the same time, I was in a sorority and love chick-flicks and shopping. Part of me loves being taken care of by my husband and having doors held open for me, wine poured for me first and having my bags carried when I travel. But it's only a part. Nothing pisses me off more than people assuming I need this treatment. Whether it's because I'm a woman, or because I'm pregnant. Nothing makes me happier than being self-sufficient, independent and capable of doing whatever needs to be done.

I think my husband is the perfect mix of stereotypical man and modern man. He is the guy who feels fulfilled by providing for me and protecting me. He spends his weekends watching football. He likes drinking beer and playing video games with his friends. His hobbies mostly consist of playing sports. He likes action movies. He hates shopping and doesn't really care about fashion at all. Basically, he's still a guy in the words of Brad Paisley.
But he also cooks, and cleans, and cuddles with me and with our cats. He supports everything I do and dream of, even though it means that I will have a really demanding career ... and kids... and him ... and maybe that makes things harder for him than if I stayed at home. He "treats me like a lady" but he also treats me with respect as an equal.

I'm sure Dr. Laura thinks I'm a radical feminist who is pursuing her own selfish interests. I'm equally sure that some women reading this will roll their eyes and think that I am setting women back in time by finding anything redeeming about traditional gender roles.
I'm just being honest in admitting that I'm not really sure if either side is "right" and I kind of like that. So far, this approach has allowed me to have everything I want and I see nothing wrong with that.