Professional Identity Crisis

I've been absent for a long time. I've felt too busy to write, but I know that's not the real cause of my silence. I guess I've also just been uninspired. There are days where I really enjoy what I do, but on the whole, I'm not happy with my job. My kids are both great these days, near perfect even, but no one really wants to hear me talk about how great my kids are. The truth is, most days are the same...wake up early, rush out the door, drop off kids, go to work and try to bill as much as I can before leaving to either pick up the kids or meet PJO at home to help rush through dinner and bathtime/bedtime. Once kids are asleep, try to motivate to clean up, unpack and re-pack lunches and then do more work, but usually fail at one or all three of those things. Weekends have mostly been reserved for catching up on all of the stuff I should have been accomplishing during the week but didn't get around to doing, plus one or two fun things. I have been reading blogs through google reader, but for some reason, logging in to comment always seems like a herculean task. Every once in a while, the stars will align and I will find both a really compelling post AND the motivation to comment, but mostly I'm just really lazy. Today is my two year anniversary of starting at the Firm. Looking back at where I was two years ago and where I am now makes me really miss the regular interaction I used to have with people who understood me here in this online community. When everyone in law school thought I was insane for having a baby during my third year, I turned to this blog and had support from people all over who had done or were doing the same thing. When I started in the real world as a junior lawyer / mom, I had the benefit of the experience of everyone that had gone before me and blogged about it to help guide me. Now, as a mom of two young kids working at a job that completely overwhelms me most days, it helps to see that I'm not the only one. Reading about other moms struggling to find balance at least makes me feel like maybe the problem is the situation and not my lack of parenting or lawyering skills. But at the same time, saying "me too" to everything I read without a plan to make any changes also sends me into this downward spiral of seeing only the the negative aspects of this job and not being willing to try to make it work. I'm nervous to talk too honestly about the job or my plans to change or leave it because I have no idea when any of that could happen and the only thing worse than the status quo would be getting fired and having no plan of action. But this is the time when I would really love to hear what other people think. When I need to hear people say that I'm justified in thinking the demands are unreasonable or even that the grass is always greener and nothing else will actually be better. Maybe I just need ideas for where to go next or what to do. And when I think about the conversations I want to have, I am sad that I have let this blog become an empty shell with links to stories of my life back when I thought I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be. So, maybe I can get myself back into the habit of writing more often and posting the comments I have in my head when I read other blogs. Even if no one ever reads this blog again, at least I may get some clarity on the thousands of contradictory thoughts crashing into one another in my head. I'll start with the obvious subject ... my job. I loved law school. Loved every second of it. But so far, I haven't really loved being a lawyer. Most days, I feel like a glorified secretary. Even when I'm drafting contracts or agreements, it's usually just changing certain facts and names in a form. Being at a big firm, there just aren't that many opportunities to take charge of the matters I am working on and be involved in the big picture decision making. I would describe my role as implementing the strategy that the partners decide on for the deal. I have really enjoyed some of the pro bono matters I've been involved with, such as helping a non-profit form a corporation and apply for tax-exempt status. Working on that, I get to research the statutes, figure out what will be the best strategy for these people and then draft the documents to make it happen. But drafting my 1,000th secretary certificate or collecting signature pages, even on a major $2 billion deal, just isn't thrilling. In the latter half of this year, I've been promoted to working on the ancillary documents for these deals. And what I've found is that "negotiating" an environmental indemnity or security agreement often is just conforming those documents to what the partner decided to do in the credit agreement. At some point, if I stick around long enough, I would be the one deciding with the client (or the tax experts most likely) how to structure the deal. But I'm not sure that seems exciting enough to devote an entire career to it. If I ever made equity partner here, it would mean a starting salary of just under $2 million a year. But that would be after 10-12 years of making work my #1 priority and it would require a perfect storm of having a decent book of business, a practice area that the firm sees a future in but where no one else ahead or below me will make partner and the other intangible qualities that make you "partner material." There are no female transactional partners in my office. I am a second year with two kids. I think the odds of me making partner (even if I wanted to) are about 1 in 1000. And the important point is that I don't want to. I have no idea what I will want in 5, 10 or 15 years. But right now, I want balance. I want to be able to work out without having to wake up before 5:00 am to do it. I want to be able to cook something that takes more than 20 minutes and still have time to sit down as a family and eat it before having to start bath time. I want to sit with my husband at night and just talk or watch tv without staring guiltily at my work computer that I haven't turned on. I want to sleep 7 hours a night. I want to never hear my son say something like "I was crying at school today because I was waiting for you to pick me up" again. And I want to be able to stay home with my daughter when she feels miserable instead of sticking her in daycare for 9 hours. It may be that I have just talked myself out of the possibility of liking this job. It may be that there is no other job out there that will afford me the kind of balance I want. Honestly, at this point in my life, even a 9-5 job wouldn't really do that (even though it would be a million times better than what I have). But I am ok with leaving and foreclosing any potential return to Big Law. I can't say that for sure about being a lawyer. I think what I really need is a break. I've thought about just quitting altogether and being a stay-at-home mom for a while. I've been a stay-at-home mom before and I didn't love it. Most days were fairly mundane and the schedule totally dictated by nap schedule. Figuring out how to keep myself and a 1 year old entertained was surprisingly difficult, especially when we couldn't afford to go to music classes or the zoo or lunch dates. Beyond the parenting, I was in charge of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, making trips to the post office and dry cleaner, etc... To be honest, I really enjoy being able to farm a lot of that stuff out. And I recall wanting, and needing, my husband to take over bath time during the week and parenting duties for a few hours on weekends so I could just have a break. Even then, it felt like there was always more I could be doing too, like organizing pictures and videos or deep cleaning the bathroom or taking him to a new park that was further away. I'll save the more detailed post about my fears of becoming a stay-at-home mom for another day. Suffice it to say that my (very strong) preference is to work part-time. I am officially on the look-out for the next thing.

School days

We just finished week two of our new routine. My mom is no longer my full-time nanny and both kids go to the same (new) school. It has been an easier adjustment than expected, but that's due in part to the fact that my mom has still been helping us occasionally with drop-off and pick-up. Backing up...We started Timmy at a new school in January when we moved to suburbia. We LOVED his old school in LA and were very sad to say goodbye to it, so we tried to find something similar to ease his transition. We picked another Montessori school that was pretty new and clean and had a great outdoor play area. It was also super convenient; literally on my way to work/home. It became clear almost immediately that the school was the wrong fit for him and us. While the facility was clean and we felt that he was safe there, the teachers and staff were cold and unfriendly and there was zero sense of community. They offered instrument lessons and Mandarin lessons and sports lessons and pottery lessons, but did not include simple things like "music class." Parents were told not to speak to other children in the classroom and parents did not say hi to each other in the halls. The staff was so unprofessional; I often heard them talking about other families or private issues when I would go to sign Timmy in or out. They obviously didn't treat teachers well...Between lead teachers and assistant teachers, I think Timmy had 10 in his 8 months there. In a word, terrible. We knew we wanted to switch him, but couldn't figure out where to. The other schools that we visited were so far out of the way and so expensive. We toured the school we eventually chose back in March. I liked it and they had an infant room, so we kept it at the top of our list. But then my mom said she'd stay with us through the summer and we held off on a move right then. In May, after we got notice that his lead teacher had left due to a "family emergency" (same excuse for three teachers in a row and always after the teacher had already left), we had had enough. We called the new school and filled out paperwork to put us on the list to register for fall. We registered in mid-July and then waited carefully until the last day of July to give our 30 days' notice to the old school and eventually told Timmy. This new school is SO MUCH further out of the way. It used to take me 25 minutes door to door including drop off. Now it's more like an hour. But we couldn't be happier about our decision. It's like we have a whole new kid (or really, our long lost sweet, amazing boy was returned to us after a really long absence). He is happy and obedient and asks to go to school on weekends again and is emotionally stable and just ...awesome. We had forgotten what it was like to be with him and not struggle over the stupidest things all the time. We attributed his acting out to the terrible threes and a ton of change all at once (baby, move, potty training, new school, etc..) and that all might be true. But the fact that it all disappeared within a day or two of starting his new school tells me that he must have just been totally unhappy at the old school. And that breaks my heart because we should have followed our instincts and taken him out sooner. Ellie has had a bit rougher transition going from being home with Grandma to dropped off with a bunch of kids and teachers she is not used to yet. She cries at drop-off (still, after two weeks), but apparently does great during the day. I know she loves seeing Timmy during the day though, and he loves going up to her when she's out in the buggy rides and giving her big hugs and kisses. The icing on the cake is that we pay less for daycare for both of them than we paid for daycare for Timmy and nanny-care for my mom. We have to do more work to get them both ready and out the door with lunches packed. There is no one to put the roast chicken in the oven mid-afternoon or wash bottles or catch up on laundry during the day anymore, but we are managing so far. Our day starts around 5:45, when PJO and I get up, shower and get ready. We've had a few mornings where we manage to be dressed by the time Timmy runs into our room but often he comes in while we're getting ready. Then we get Ellie and start breakfast and packing up everything. We're out the door by about 7:20. PJO and I switch off drop off and pick up, so generally we each go to the school once a day. We pick up the kids by 5:30 or so and come home, have dinner, straight to bath and bedtime, and then once the kids are down, PJO and I finish cleaning up, packing lunches and getting anything else ready that needs to be done for the next day. I would say we are usually done by 8:30 or 9. I haven't had to work too many nights so far in September, so we'll see how manageable this all is once that factors into the equation. It's a lot of work and the kids are in school for much longer than is ideal each day. But things are better than they were a month ago, so I'll take it. Here are the kids on their first day of school, September 4th!

Recharging the batteries

PJO and I returned Friday night from a three night getaway to Cabo to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. The kids stayed home with my mom and PJO and I enjoyed the best vacation we've ever been on.
Even the two hour flight getting down there was a luxury because we got to sit in the emergency row and read books with worrying about entertaining little ones.
Each day involved pretty much the same things: sitting by the pool, going to the beach, working out, eating fish tacos and guacamole, drinking jalapeño margaritas and sex. I am not one for naps but I fell asleep in the sun mid-day both of our full days there.
We didn't leave the resort once, although we did try out every bar and restaurant on site (and EVERYTHING was absolutely delicious). I got to do a semi-private yoga session on the beach at sunrise. I started out the other two mornings with decaf espresso on our patio overlooking the crashing surf. For once in my life, I wasn't planning ahead or worried about logistics...my mind was empty. I haven't felt so stress free at any point in recent memory. The resort was flawless and the service was impeccable. PJO and I kept marveling at how fun it is to just hang out and have fun without worrying about getting back home to take care of kids or clean or work. Good for the soul, that trip was.
We were gone Tuesday through Friday, so we had a weekend with the kids on either side. I won't go so far as to say that I am ready or excited to go back to work tomorrow, but I do feel refreshed and reenergized.
Luckily, I only have to make it through 3 work days because all four of us leave Thursday to head to Iowa for my cousin's wedding. Not quite the same type of vacation but it will be fun nonetheless.

Finding Home

Does anyone else out there find themselves asking where to put down roots? I want to live in one house from the time Timmy starts kindergarten until our last child graduates high school if possible. I want to feel settled in a house so we can get furniture without worrying about whether it will work in our next house. I want to feel settled in a neighborhood so that we're invested enough to make friends out of neighbors and find our favorite local restaurants and coffee shops. After 4 moves in the past 7 years, I just want to be settled. Only problem is, we have almost no idea where. I am living in the place I grew up in and I am not convinced I want to stay here forever or raise my kids here. It's also extremely limiting to PJO's career to stay... There is pretty much no other employer besides his current one that he could really move to in our area and he doesn't think the place he is at is where he'll spend his career. I love a lot of things about this part of the country but there are downsides too. We could go almost anywhere, but have no real ties to any particular place. Trying to narrow it down to a short list seems impossible. We aren't ready to look for jobs elsewhere but I think we probably would start in a year or so. Did anyone else put there mo e somewhere without family and for no specific job?

The Flip Side

My work-life balance did a complete 180 in July. As in I billed 85 hours for the entire month. It was wonderful. I didn't even bring my computer home most nights. I didn't check my blackberry on weekends. I worked out in the morning and ate breakfast at home with my kids. I left by 4 or 4:30 every day and had time to run errands or play with my kids at night. I took lunches during the day instead of eating at my desk. I went to mid-day appointments without worry. I slept. Life was good and I didn't even miss having work to do very much. Like clockwork, August 1st I was back to billing normal hours. I have work to do at night and on weekends. The timing, of course, is terrible because PJO is in Tennessee for 4 days for a wedding, so I'm also on my own with both kids and trying to squeeze in work wherever I can. And this, I think, is a text book example of "peaks and valleys" when people talk about work-flow at a law firm. It isn't always terrible, but it sure as hell is unpredictable. And never being able to plan anything in advance wears on you after a while. There are so many benefits to working at a firm. One that people always talk about is flexibility, especially to be able to work from home or to leave for appointments or school events during the day and make up that time at night. I'm pretty sure that "flexibility" wouldn't be necessary if you could reliably plan a day (sick, vacation, whatever) where you could be out of the office and no one would bother you with work stuff. And no matter what anyone tells me, I refuse to feel grateful for the fact that I often work from home at night after my kids go to bed. Sure, I'd rather work in my PJs at home than at the office, but more than that, I'd rather not work at night. Period. I really do like many aspects of working at a big firm, namely the quality of the clients/work, the ability to work with and for many different people and not have one "Boss" and, of course, the salary. But none of that is worth the years this job is taking off of my life and the precious time I should be spending with my kids while they're little. I have no idea what's next for me or when, although I'm pretty sure I'll stay put for at least a year. I think I need a guidance counselor and maybe a life coach.

By the Numbers

Continuing my pattern of only ever posting to complain about work. I just finished a week where I billed 92 hours. I billed 933 hours since March 1st.
Let me tell you, I'm not enjoying this. Sleeping 3 hours a night, never seeing your husband and kids, skipping meals because you're too busy to eat, feeling your body ache from sitting so much... None of this is normal, and yet it has become my norm.
I haven't had time to read the Why Women Can't Have it All article yet, but based on what I have heard, I am living it. The past four months have been "great" from a work perspective, but soul crushing from a personal life perspective.
We can't afford for me to just stop working and I would need to make a pretty high salary to afford to pay for child care and our other monthly expenses so there aren't a whole lot of options at the moment. But I feel desperate to change something. Desperate enough to think being a stay-at-home mom for a while sounds good.
I am hoping work calms down enough to make this job possible until I can make a move to a better lifestyle job. I love the people I work with and am learning a lot, but this lifestyle will kill me before it helps me.
My assigned mentor when I started at the firm (who just became a partner last year) told me that those few months leading up to maternity leave were her slowest ever (at 100% of pace) because for her first 8 years at the firm, she never billed less than 150% of pace, which is essentially what I've been doing. Why do people do this to themselves?

Small town Big city

When airfare was mysteriously cheap in December, we bought tickets to visit my in-laws in NJ for June. We patted ourselves on the back for planning so far in advance and getting three tickets for just $1,000. We were supposed to leave June 12th, but when PJO's uncle passed away one week ago, we decided to move the trip up by one week. Luckily, I had bought travel insurance. United also said they would waive the fee to change our flights since it was due to a death in the family. But tickets were now over $1,000 EACH. Even after crediting the price we had paid for our original tickets, waiving the change fee and (hopefully) getting money from insurance, we had to shell out another $1,000. For a red eye flight. For seats that weren't together and happened to be in a row that didn't recline. Someone needs to invent a machine to teleport us ASAP. Anyway, I probably would have had to work during our trip as originally scheduled, but this week was even busier, so I worked out of the NY office of my firm. I commuted in on the train, went to my favorite places for coffee and lunch. It has been 6 years since I moved out of NYC, but I lived there recently enough to be able to navigate the subway and the streets easily and fall back into step with the native New Yorkers. I have been gone long enough to be able to appreciate how truly unique that city is. And I surprised myself by wishing (in some ways) that I could live here again. I could not wait to leave when I was living here. I hated the crowds, the noise, the dirt, the subway, the expense, the hassle of doing simple things like grocery shopping, and the lack of sunlight/outdoor space. The things I noticed on this trip were the plethora of young, educated, working professionals, amazing restaurants and bars, the energy you feel walking around the streets, the character, the proximity to anything and everything and the great sense of style of the people that live here. I know that it would be miserable to be a lawyer in the city and it would be downright impossible to raise a family the way I want to there. Our expenses would be outrageous. So I don't ACTUALLY want to live here again, but if I had the chance, I would totally go back in time and give myself a few years of working before having kids to live in the big city. This, and realizing how much money we could be saving right now while working the jobs we have without the expense of daycare, are the only times I have come close to wishing I would have waited to start a family. And on the whole, I would make the same decisions I have made over and over again without regret. But there are certain things that you give up. Maybe suburbia isn't for me. Los Angeles didn't always feel like a big city, I could see us going back there someday. I just hope at least one of my kids goes to school in New York City, preferably to Columbia. PJO and I will take week-long trips to visit them, take them to the best restaurants, shows, museums, etc...