School days

We just finished week two of our new routine. My mom is no longer my full-time nanny and both kids go to the same (new) school. It has been an easier adjustment than expected, but that's due in part to the fact that my mom has still been helping us occasionally with drop-off and pick-up. Backing up...We started Timmy at a new school in January when we moved to suburbia. We LOVED his old school in LA and were very sad to say goodbye to it, so we tried to find something similar to ease his transition. We picked another Montessori school that was pretty new and clean and had a great outdoor play area. It was also super convenient; literally on my way to work/home. It became clear almost immediately that the school was the wrong fit for him and us. While the facility was clean and we felt that he was safe there, the teachers and staff were cold and unfriendly and there was zero sense of community. They offered instrument lessons and Mandarin lessons and sports lessons and pottery lessons, but did not include simple things like "music class." Parents were told not to speak to other children in the classroom and parents did not say hi to each other in the halls. The staff was so unprofessional; I often heard them talking about other families or private issues when I would go to sign Timmy in or out. They obviously didn't treat teachers well...Between lead teachers and assistant teachers, I think Timmy had 10 in his 8 months there. In a word, terrible. We knew we wanted to switch him, but couldn't figure out where to. The other schools that we visited were so far out of the way and so expensive. We toured the school we eventually chose back in March. I liked it and they had an infant room, so we kept it at the top of our list. But then my mom said she'd stay with us through the summer and we held off on a move right then. In May, after we got notice that his lead teacher had left due to a "family emergency" (same excuse for three teachers in a row and always after the teacher had already left), we had had enough. We called the new school and filled out paperwork to put us on the list to register for fall. We registered in mid-July and then waited carefully until the last day of July to give our 30 days' notice to the old school and eventually told Timmy. This new school is SO MUCH further out of the way. It used to take me 25 minutes door to door including drop off. Now it's more like an hour. But we couldn't be happier about our decision. It's like we have a whole new kid (or really, our long lost sweet, amazing boy was returned to us after a really long absence). He is happy and obedient and asks to go to school on weekends again and is emotionally stable and just ...awesome. We had forgotten what it was like to be with him and not struggle over the stupidest things all the time. We attributed his acting out to the terrible threes and a ton of change all at once (baby, move, potty training, new school, etc..) and that all might be true. But the fact that it all disappeared within a day or two of starting his new school tells me that he must have just been totally unhappy at the old school. And that breaks my heart because we should have followed our instincts and taken him out sooner. Ellie has had a bit rougher transition going from being home with Grandma to dropped off with a bunch of kids and teachers she is not used to yet. She cries at drop-off (still, after two weeks), but apparently does great during the day. I know she loves seeing Timmy during the day though, and he loves going up to her when she's out in the buggy rides and giving her big hugs and kisses. The icing on the cake is that we pay less for daycare for both of them than we paid for daycare for Timmy and nanny-care for my mom. We have to do more work to get them both ready and out the door with lunches packed. There is no one to put the roast chicken in the oven mid-afternoon or wash bottles or catch up on laundry during the day anymore, but we are managing so far. Our day starts around 5:45, when PJO and I get up, shower and get ready. We've had a few mornings where we manage to be dressed by the time Timmy runs into our room but often he comes in while we're getting ready. Then we get Ellie and start breakfast and packing up everything. We're out the door by about 7:20. PJO and I switch off drop off and pick up, so generally we each go to the school once a day. We pick up the kids by 5:30 or so and come home, have dinner, straight to bath and bedtime, and then once the kids are down, PJO and I finish cleaning up, packing lunches and getting anything else ready that needs to be done for the next day. I would say we are usually done by 8:30 or 9. I haven't had to work too many nights so far in September, so we'll see how manageable this all is once that factors into the equation. It's a lot of work and the kids are in school for much longer than is ideal each day. But things are better than they were a month ago, so I'll take it. Here are the kids on their first day of school, September 4th!

Recharging the batteries

PJO and I returned Friday night from a three night getaway to Cabo to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. The kids stayed home with my mom and PJO and I enjoyed the best vacation we've ever been on.
Even the two hour flight getting down there was a luxury because we got to sit in the emergency row and read books with worrying about entertaining little ones.
Each day involved pretty much the same things: sitting by the pool, going to the beach, working out, eating fish tacos and guacamole, drinking jalapeño margaritas and sex. I am not one for naps but I fell asleep in the sun mid-day both of our full days there.
We didn't leave the resort once, although we did try out every bar and restaurant on site (and EVERYTHING was absolutely delicious). I got to do a semi-private yoga session on the beach at sunrise. I started out the other two mornings with decaf espresso on our patio overlooking the crashing surf. For once in my life, I wasn't planning ahead or worried about logistics...my mind was empty. I haven't felt so stress free at any point in recent memory. The resort was flawless and the service was impeccable. PJO and I kept marveling at how fun it is to just hang out and have fun without worrying about getting back home to take care of kids or clean or work. Good for the soul, that trip was.
We were gone Tuesday through Friday, so we had a weekend with the kids on either side. I won't go so far as to say that I am ready or excited to go back to work tomorrow, but I do feel refreshed and reenergized.
Luckily, I only have to make it through 3 work days because all four of us leave Thursday to head to Iowa for my cousin's wedding. Not quite the same type of vacation but it will be fun nonetheless.

Finding Home

Does anyone else out there find themselves asking where to put down roots? I want to live in one house from the time Timmy starts kindergarten until our last child graduates high school if possible. I want to feel settled in a house so we can get furniture without worrying about whether it will work in our next house. I want to feel settled in a neighborhood so that we're invested enough to make friends out of neighbors and find our favorite local restaurants and coffee shops. After 4 moves in the past 7 years, I just want to be settled. Only problem is, we have almost no idea where. I am living in the place I grew up in and I am not convinced I want to stay here forever or raise my kids here. It's also extremely limiting to PJO's career to stay... There is pretty much no other employer besides his current one that he could really move to in our area and he doesn't think the place he is at is where he'll spend his career. I love a lot of things about this part of the country but there are downsides too. We could go almost anywhere, but have no real ties to any particular place. Trying to narrow it down to a short list seems impossible. We aren't ready to look for jobs elsewhere but I think we probably would start in a year or so. Did anyone else put there mo e somewhere without family and for no specific job?

The Flip Side

My work-life balance did a complete 180 in July. As in I billed 85 hours for the entire month. It was wonderful. I didn't even bring my computer home most nights. I didn't check my blackberry on weekends. I worked out in the morning and ate breakfast at home with my kids. I left by 4 or 4:30 every day and had time to run errands or play with my kids at night. I took lunches during the day instead of eating at my desk. I went to mid-day appointments without worry. I slept. Life was good and I didn't even miss having work to do very much. Like clockwork, August 1st I was back to billing normal hours. I have work to do at night and on weekends. The timing, of course, is terrible because PJO is in Tennessee for 4 days for a wedding, so I'm also on my own with both kids and trying to squeeze in work wherever I can. And this, I think, is a text book example of "peaks and valleys" when people talk about work-flow at a law firm. It isn't always terrible, but it sure as hell is unpredictable. And never being able to plan anything in advance wears on you after a while. There are so many benefits to working at a firm. One that people always talk about is flexibility, especially to be able to work from home or to leave for appointments or school events during the day and make up that time at night. I'm pretty sure that "flexibility" wouldn't be necessary if you could reliably plan a day (sick, vacation, whatever) where you could be out of the office and no one would bother you with work stuff. And no matter what anyone tells me, I refuse to feel grateful for the fact that I often work from home at night after my kids go to bed. Sure, I'd rather work in my PJs at home than at the office, but more than that, I'd rather not work at night. Period. I really do like many aspects of working at a big firm, namely the quality of the clients/work, the ability to work with and for many different people and not have one "Boss" and, of course, the salary. But none of that is worth the years this job is taking off of my life and the precious time I should be spending with my kids while they're little. I have no idea what's next for me or when, although I'm pretty sure I'll stay put for at least a year. I think I need a guidance counselor and maybe a life coach.

By the Numbers

Continuing my pattern of only ever posting to complain about work. I just finished a week where I billed 92 hours. I billed 933 hours since March 1st.
Let me tell you, I'm not enjoying this. Sleeping 3 hours a night, never seeing your husband and kids, skipping meals because you're too busy to eat, feeling your body ache from sitting so much... None of this is normal, and yet it has become my norm.
I haven't had time to read the Why Women Can't Have it All article yet, but based on what I have heard, I am living it. The past four months have been "great" from a work perspective, but soul crushing from a personal life perspective.
We can't afford for me to just stop working and I would need to make a pretty high salary to afford to pay for child care and our other monthly expenses so there aren't a whole lot of options at the moment. But I feel desperate to change something. Desperate enough to think being a stay-at-home mom for a while sounds good.
I am hoping work calms down enough to make this job possible until I can make a move to a better lifestyle job. I love the people I work with and am learning a lot, but this lifestyle will kill me before it helps me.
My assigned mentor when I started at the firm (who just became a partner last year) told me that those few months leading up to maternity leave were her slowest ever (at 100% of pace) because for her first 8 years at the firm, she never billed less than 150% of pace, which is essentially what I've been doing. Why do people do this to themselves?

Small town Big city

When airfare was mysteriously cheap in December, we bought tickets to visit my in-laws in NJ for June. We patted ourselves on the back for planning so far in advance and getting three tickets for just $1,000. We were supposed to leave June 12th, but when PJO's uncle passed away one week ago, we decided to move the trip up by one week. Luckily, I had bought travel insurance. United also said they would waive the fee to change our flights since it was due to a death in the family. But tickets were now over $1,000 EACH. Even after crediting the price we had paid for our original tickets, waiving the change fee and (hopefully) getting money from insurance, we had to shell out another $1,000. For a red eye flight. For seats that weren't together and happened to be in a row that didn't recline. Someone needs to invent a machine to teleport us ASAP. Anyway, I probably would have had to work during our trip as originally scheduled, but this week was even busier, so I worked out of the NY office of my firm. I commuted in on the train, went to my favorite places for coffee and lunch. It has been 6 years since I moved out of NYC, but I lived there recently enough to be able to navigate the subway and the streets easily and fall back into step with the native New Yorkers. I have been gone long enough to be able to appreciate how truly unique that city is. And I surprised myself by wishing (in some ways) that I could live here again. I could not wait to leave when I was living here. I hated the crowds, the noise, the dirt, the subway, the expense, the hassle of doing simple things like grocery shopping, and the lack of sunlight/outdoor space. The things I noticed on this trip were the plethora of young, educated, working professionals, amazing restaurants and bars, the energy you feel walking around the streets, the character, the proximity to anything and everything and the great sense of style of the people that live here. I know that it would be miserable to be a lawyer in the city and it would be downright impossible to raise a family the way I want to there. Our expenses would be outrageous. So I don't ACTUALLY want to live here again, but if I had the chance, I would totally go back in time and give myself a few years of working before having kids to live in the big city. This, and realizing how much money we could be saving right now while working the jobs we have without the expense of daycare, are the only times I have come close to wishing I would have waited to start a family. And on the whole, I would make the same decisions I have made over and over again without regret. But there are certain things that you give up. Maybe suburbia isn't for me. Los Angeles didn't always feel like a big city, I could see us going back there someday. I just hope at least one of my kids goes to school in New York City, preferably to Columbia. PJO and I will take week-long trips to visit them, take them to the best restaurants, shows, museums, etc...

Too too much

I have a new appreciation for BigLaw moms that stay at this job for years. I have begun to realize how much harder it is when you are actually as busy as you're supposed to be (unlike last year where I was only at about 85-90% of pace). I billed about 75 hours between Monday and Friday, which basically plays out as waking up at 5:30, being at my desk by 7, working through lunch, if I am lucky, coming home for dinner and bath, but otherwise working through dinner, then working until about 2am before letting myself admit I'm too tired to do a good job anymore. I have a deal closing Thursday, a deal closing Friday, at least two deals closing in June and a pro bono matter I have been neglecting. Summer associates arrived last week, and we're expected to attend summer events. This is particularly bad timing since PJO is taking the CFA level III exam in one week and has been studying every spare second at night and on weekends. We have mail and bills piling up, chores at home not getting done and car maintenance to have done and neither of us has time for any of it. While I can't really say I love my job, I feel like I am learning a lot and I don't DISLIKE my job, but this is just not sustainable. I miss sleep, I want more time with my family, and I want to not constantly feel like I am behind on everything.
The thing is, I don't really know what I want to do after law firm life and I need more experience if I want to have options. Some days PJO and I talk about moving to a lower cost of living state... We could easily live off of just his salary and our 5-10% down-payment fund would suddenly become a 40-50% down-payment on a house. But we would be on our own with no family or friends and I am sure I'd want to work once I got over that feeling of being burned out.
I don't think going "part time" at my firm would really help given the kind of work I do and the nature of this client-service business, but I may have to look into it at some point if this pace keeps up.

So there you have it, this job is demanding and hard. It becomes harder with kids and a working spouse. For me, it's not the kind of hard where you are consciously miserable; rather the constant demand for sacrifice forces me to regularly assess my priorities and figure out where that line is so I know when it's time to stop trying to earn gold stars, to step back and find a way to reserve more time for my family and myself. Easier said than done for someone who is used to always trying to prove I am just as capable and good as anyone else.