Finding My Camp

I met up with a friend from work today. She has a baby girl fifteen days older than Ellie, so we essentially are on the same pregnancy/maternity leave calendar. It was so nice to see her and catch up. About ten minutes were spent discussing work related things and the rest of the time we chatted about family, free time (!) and of course, our babies. Pretty early on, she said she can't imagine going back to work in January and that she thinks she'll extend her leave (into unpaid territory). It scared me how much I wanted to say "ME TOO" because I don't think it will be an option for me. But I'll say it here. I can't imagine going back in January. Well, I can imagine it, but I know I won't feel ready. January 23rd seems much too soon.

And I know I'll feel more ready than I do right now when the time comes. And I know that perpetual maternity leave is not an option because no one is going to continue to pay me to hang out with my baby all day. But the thought of leaving my kids every day around 7am and not seeing them again until 7pm makes me want to cry. This time with Timmy and Ellie is restoring me and making me feel so happy each and every day, how can I go back to feeling completely stretched and stressed so soon? And yet my one year anniversary at the firm was (would have been?) Tuesday. I had not even worked there for a year before taking leave. I feel so disloyal for already thinking I can't handle this job when I have benefited so much from the firm after putting in so little time. But I do feel like I'm not cut out for big-firm life. Sometimes I have great days where I love my job and can't fathom wanting to do anything different. I can at least get by each day and only about 15% of the time does it feel too much on any given day. But overall, it requires that I spend WAY TOO MUCH time away from my family. Whether it's at the office or at home, time spent working is time I don't get to enjoy being mom to my two kids.

Then again, I (still) have no desire to stay home full time. The three hours I'm alone with both kids every night can be enough to make me feel crazy some days. I miss getting showered and dressed everyday, even if I am too tired/lazy to do it right now. I miss seeing my co-workers and I miss deal talk with supervisors.

So I'm not in the stay-at-home-mom camp but I am also don't want to be in the full-time working mom camp. I really, REALLY wish part-time was a feasible option at law firms.

Then there's money, which always takes the fun out of plans. We've been on track to pay off my loans in about 4 years and we're two years in. But soon we'll have (at least) two daycare payments plus some sort of babysitter (nearly a third daycare payment). We'll have to move to a bigger place once Ellie needs to be in a crib, which means rent will go up. This means that (a) my loans will probably still be around in 2 years and (b) I need to maintain my current level of income as long as possible. So my plan has been and continues to be to suck it up and stay at this job until I reach my breaking point and then go find a job with less time demands no matter what it pays. But am I making a huge mistake by committing to this kind of work-life balance for most of my kids' baby and toddler years?

I didn't want to be this person, but I think if I'm being honest, I'm at this job mostly for the money at this point. I can't say for sure whether I'll be happy working at a less challenging job even if it means spending more time with my family, but I'm pretty sure that's as close to perfect as I'm going to get.