People keep asking me if I am excited to start working. It seems unfair to burden them with the full extent of that answer and the complexities of my inner thoughts, so I tend to give a short answer that I find is tailored to the audience. If it's someone who is working, I usually say I wish I were already working, I was ready to start yesterday. It's so boring being a stay-at-home-mom, no adult conversation, no intellectual stimulation, blah blah blah. If it's a stay-at-home-mom who asks me, I say I'm looking forward to working but I know I'm really going to miss Timmy and it's probably going to be horrible putting in the long hours away from my family.
The thing is, both of these are true. I really do feel ready to have a career, use my legal education and accomplish adult tasks every day. But honestly, I'm terrified of how I'll feel when my time with Timmy is reduced from every waking hour of his day to an hour or so. I don't know how to be a mom that isn't taking him to the park, reading him books before naps and eating meals with him every day, and I worry that when I'm learning how to balance motherhood with something else and it's hard, I'll give up too easily on my dreams for my career.
An older and wiser friend (who is a senior associate at a big law firm) was recently explaining to me that she doesn't wish she worked fewer hours, she just wished there were more hours in the day. Driving home the other night after putting in 13 hours at the office, she was exhausted and a little sad that she wouldn't see her daughter that night. But then it dawned on her that her first reaction to the day had been, "I love my job!" She had put in long hours, but it was doing something she truly enjoyed. Some days, she said, she gets stressed out and feels like she can't handle it all, but then she remembered feeling the same way at the end of maternity leave sometimes. Full time motherhood can be overwhelming too.
Of course, my friend had 7 years as a lawyer before she had her baby, so she balances motherhood with a "career." Something she had developed a love for and become good at. I will be starting a "job" and hoping to find my passion and what I'm good at, eventually developing a career. If things go well, I can definitely see myself happily trading 12 Timmy hours for a career that I love plus an hour or two of solid Timmy time each day. But will I wish that I was at the playground with Timmy when I'm paying dues as a junior associate on doc review? Will I think my "career" is worth the sacrifice when I'm still a newbie attorney putting in long hours doing what is essentially secretarial work?
And what about "me" time? Lately I've been doing a lot of extracurriculars. Thanks to Netflix and TiVo, PJO and I are finally watching some TV shows and movies that we never got into before. I just caught up on Glee and am totally hooked. I have been reading books and flipping through magazines. I learned how to sew and started various projects around the house. And I've been getting into Yoga and am now borderline obsessed. I am trying out new recipes and attempting to cook healthy options to keep Timmy interested. But my main problem is that I need 8 hours of sleep. Honestly, I probably need 9, but that is just so far from obtainable that I make 8 hours my goal. Each day, I have approximately 4 hours to get things done without Timmy. Factor in cleaning, cooking, getting ready for the day and there is very little "me" time left. While I will happily give up cleaning time when I'm working, I can't imagine giving up time for all the rest of this stuff.
So, in conclusion, I need at least 6 extra hours in the day. That's the only way I can see all of this working out.
5 comments:
Wish I had some wisdom to offer after doing it for a year and a half, but all I can do is agree.
I've been at it for a few months, and I think it's very difficult...I don't hate my job (big law in Austin), but I don't love it. Fortunately, I rarely miss dinner/bedtime, so I see my kid more than most lawyers, but I want more baby time...and I get zero "me" time. It's absolutely fine for now, but I can't say it'll be the way I want to live for more than 1-2 years.
such an interesting perspective, and so so true. i could "do it all" if there were a little more time in the day to do it . . . you'll find your way when you need to. We have to. (Of course, I'm still looking!)
Wow, I think that you nailed on everything that I feel as a working mom. I too am a lawyer - I work for a Public Defender's office currently - and I have a son that turned two in December. I went back to work full time three months after I had him and I was *really* glad at the time to go back. BUT now I really miss him sometimes during the days - it took me awhile to get there. But you really do figure out a way to balance everything. Be assured - and don't let anyone tell you your way is the wrong way. If it works for you, rock on!
I think loving what you do will make the sacrifice worth it. If I had to ask myself honestly if I loved what I do I think the answer is no. When husband is done with his MBA program we're thinking about starting a family and I'm going to have to start struggling with whether I want to work full-time, part-time or not at all.
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