To those of you who are thinking about when to start your family... I want to give you a message that isn't too popular these days: it can be really, really great to start when you're young. Our parents, bosses, peers, society and the entire feminist movement urge the opposite. They (generally) seem to say, finish school, grad school, become firmly established in your career, have fun doing things "you can only do when you're young" ... then, after all that, settle down with some kids. Don't cheat yourself by wasting your youth on changing diapers and sleepless nights. Put in the long, hard hours earning credibility early in your career, otherwise you'll never make partner. Basically, only have children once your life is already "over."
Growing up, my mom and dad advised me to wait until I was 30 to get married. Before then, I wouldn't really know myself and thus would be in a poor position to find a good life partner. Then I got married at 24. They thought it went without saying that I would wait until 30, at least, to get pregnant. After all, I was in law school and I would need to graduate and start my career first. But I had Timmy when I was 25. Now I'm just shy of 27 and I have a 14 month old baby on my hip. I'll be starting my career with a husband and toddler while many co-workers are single and unconstrained by familial duties. I am in bed by 10pm most nights while the vast majority of my friends, childless and unmarried, stay up late, go out to bars and enjoy late brunches on weekends to cure their hangovers. At this point, Timmy is still a novelty and he hasn't impacted my friendships negatively, but I am prepared for the possibility that I'll grow apart from some current friends who have less and less in common with me as time goes on.
Right now, I can't comment on how being a mother will impact my career or my friendships, but I can tell you two things: 1. it is relatively easy physically to be pregnant, give birth and parent a child when you are young and 2. in some ways it will be better to have freedom to do what I want when I'm older than it would in my 20s. I'm not trying to say that everyone should have babies when they're young, that it is "bad" to wait until you are older, or that what I say is true for everyone. What I am saying is purely anecdotal and solely my personal opinion. But I would have liked to hear this side of the story when I was trying to decide whether to have a baby while in law school, so I thought there might be someone out there who would like to hear it now. Finally, a friend (older and wiser) told us that regardless of when you have your first baby, you will look back on it as the right time and you won't be able to imagine your life without that baby. This was certainly true for us. If we hadn't had Timmy, I never would have been able to spend the (almost) first 2 years of my firstborn's life at home with him, enjoying watching him grow up.
1. It's easier when you're younger.
How do I even know that? I have only been pregnant once, so there is no comparison. But I know a lot, A LOT of moms in their late 30s and early 40s. Of all the moms in my neighborhood playgroup, the large majority dealt with complications in their pregnancies, and most delivered between 3 and 9 weeks early. Several had to, or now have to, turn to in vitro fertilization. They tell me I am lucky that I have the flexibility to wait a few years to have another baby since I am so young, while they feel forced to "finish" when they are still young enough. Of course, unfortunately any woman could have to deal with complications, pre-term delivery or infertility. It just seems that it is more common among older women. There is a chance that these correlations may also affect the health of the baby, although nothing has been proven and I certainly don't know enough to make that claim.
2. Freedom will be nice when I'm older.
I will spend my mid-to-late twenties, and possibly my early thirties raising young children. Instead of taking nice vacations, a quick rendezvous to Vegas or building a career free from the hindrance of family obligations, I will be juggling a husband, kids, home, work on little sleep. I gave up being able to drink all night, sleep in all morning, and do what I want whenever I want. But to be honest, I haven't missed much yet. I feel like I got most of my irresponsible behavior out of the way in college and living in New York City as a 23 year old. We didn't really have the money to go on lavish vacations now anyway. We enjoyed 4.5 years as a couple, just the two of us; while we could have spent more time on our own, I feel like it was enough to build a solid foundation and make some great memories of our early days together. But having a family is more fulfilling than I ever dreamed it would be. And starting out so young has, I believe, allowed us to grow together, dream big and have fun now. Plus, when our kids are off at college and we're in our mid-40s, we'll have the time, money and perspective to really enjoy some nice vacations alone. Not to mention appreciate peace and quiet at home. While our children are growing up, playing sports and in school plays, we'll be young enough to enjoy those things right alongside them.
Nothing in life is perfect. There are days where I look enviously at my childless friends, going out to dinner parties during the week or spending their fun money on indulgent shoes and bags rather than at Baby Gap. But when you have to make choices and carve out your own life journey, if you know you want "it all," husband, job, kids, etc..., it's nice to have time and flexibility to make it all work for you. I hope PJO and Timmy will agree.
9 comments:
Great post and perspective.
I would have loved to start a family in law school as you did. But, things didn't work out.
I think we all fill our lives up with different things. Sometimes those things are what we want and sometimes they are placeholders. I'm single and unmarried so I go out to a bar, stay out late, or take a spontaneous vacation because I can. But I would love to have a family.
That's not to say that most single people share my perspective. Whether it's better to have children sooner or later depends on what is most important to us as individuals (excluding medical considerations, of course).
Anyway, you made great points all around. Glad to hear that you are happy with the choices you've made.
Interesting. I'd say look at this post again in a year after you've started your job. Lag liv makes it work, of course, and she's amazing, but, well, imo, she is able to put a positive spin on anything.
I am happy to have had my daughter at 27, and before finishing law school. But, it will hurt my career. It has hurt my career. To say otherwise, now that I know, would be deceptive to child-less women.
That said, I am happy to make the choices I have made (effectively, giving up an extremely prestigious job that people kill for after law school), but i have no bones about the fact that if I were single, I could work 80 hour weeks (which i am not willing to do with a kid), and I would get farther. Having to make sacrifices for your spouse and child is great, and the freedom you give up is paid for tenfold in love and other benefits, but the thinking you are quoting, has a lot of reason behind it. The older you are, the more experience and training you have, the less you have to prove yourself, to "pay your dues" while your kids are young as the legal profession so painfully requires. Also, I am not in a particularly strong spot to negotiate part-time because I'm a junior associate.
I agree about no pregnancy complications though. That part has been really amazing. I feel blessed.
Its funny, I wrote a similar post from the far (very far) other side of the fence just a couple of weeks ago! -->
http://neverbeenlivedbefore.blogspot.com/2010/02/no-do-overs.html
Different perspectives make life rich :)
P2P, I totally agree with you that what is important to us determines whether it's better to have children sooner or later...I think I'm only saying that if you're in a place where you could and want to, there are definitely benefits to doing so now rather than waiting. I would say that even though you would love to have a family, enjoy being single and the things that allows you to do while you can. A spouse/partner and family will happen and will be just as special in a few years.
Anon - I have no doubt that starting my career with a child has "hurt it" in the sense that I won't make partner and I won't bill the most hours of the associates in my class. But I really don't want that anyway. I do think, though, that if you really do want to make partner, having children at any point will "hurt your career." The challenge as a junior associate is that you don't already have a store of credibility among co-workers as a buffer. But there would be similar challenges to face as a mid-level or senior associate. I'm not sure that Lag Liv would agree, but I think her "making it work" is a combo of her desire to do so, her particular firm/city/partners and the luck of the draw. It certainly helps to be in a city/office where other people value balancing work with other interests, where you don't spend hours a day commuting, etc.... Everyone I've ever talked to about this tells me a lot has to do with the luck of the draw...who you work for can determine whether you are able to work from home, whether you can set boundaries and whether you can work in the morning or must stay late. I am not sure I would even attempt to work BigLaw in NYC as a young mother; as it is, I think LA is a stretch, but we'll see how it works.
And Juliet, I loved that post. I have several friends that feel exactly the same way...some changed their minds later, and others didn't. I think you are setting yourself up for true happiness by being honest about what you want now.
I totally agree with this post 100%. Although I haven't had a baby while working yet, I think it's a million times easier to have kids in lawschool. I love being a young mom. I feel thrust into more of a responsible role- but my son and my family, not my career is my life. I wouldn't want to be married to my job. I think that is so unhealthy. Now having a family is keeping my perspectives in place.
Having a kid didn't affect my ability to get a job. I worked as a summer while pregnant then again as a young mom. They still hired me while my law review, top 10% of her class, judicial intern friend didn't even get an interview at this firm.
People who are insistent that a child will hurt their chances of a successful career are probably setting the stage for just that. I'm going to give it a try and I think it wil work out.
Anyway, I LOVE this post :) and based on my experiences, I totally agree.
I really appreciated this post - it expressed a lot of what I feel about being a young mother.
But I also somewhat agree with Anon. This past month at work was CRAZY - I was billing 12 hour days for 2 weeks straight, I saw Eden awake only for a few minutes before I left in the morning, and my poor husband and I didn't even have a full conversation. All of that adds to the pressure and feeling of unbalance. It's hard. BUT. It's doable, especially if you work with people who get that you have a life outside of the office. And I think if you knew you wanted to be a young mother, and had a bit of foresight (and luck) during your 2L summer, you could set yourself up pretty well to make it very doable.
I think as long as you're willing to work hard when you need to, while still making sure your priorities are known, assuming you are working for people who understand at least a little, you'll be ok.
And you're right too to keep your ultimate goals in perspective - if you don't want to make partner, then at least some of the pressure is off.
Very interesting post, comments, and perspectives. My thought is that if you do want to have kids, something most people seem to want to do, and you are in a position to do so, I think there is a strong personal and professional argument for doing it early. It is so much easier for me to be out on maternity leave as a 2nd year associate. I can slip away and be back and after a few months it won't have even mattered. I think it's harder as a more senior associate when you're trying to stay present and indispensible on certain partners minds, and much much harder once you are the partner and you have your own client relationships to maintain and cases to manage. I can hand my work off to an exchangeable 2nd year; it's harder to do that the further you go along in your career (based purely on my observations and stories from older attorneys).
But the other commentors are totally right, it doesn't come without tradeoffs. As LEO mentioned though, if you are someone who really wants a family, those are probably tradeoffs you were willing to make anyway, and getting to them early makes the change in lifestyle a little easier. I'm watching some of the attorneys in my classyear and up become parents and that switch from no kids to baby has been rough. I've found myself glad that I've lived it from the beginning.
I also agree it will be interesting to see how LEO (and my) perspectives change through the years of working in our respective law firms.
Anon again. Thanks for the thoughtful counter comments, all of you. Cee, honestly, I think it's a little mean of you to say I am setting myself up for failure. I didn't say kids would preclude me from having a successful and rewarding career, or that it destroyed my career. I have every plan to have a great career! Having kids "hurt" my career in that it will not be the "best" it could have been, had I chosen that to the exclusion of having the kids I wanted. In particular, I cannot be the kind of mom I want to be and be a federal clerk, or work in a particular practice area, or as LEO mentioned, work in Manhattan. It's not a coincidence that Sonia Sotomayor, for example, is childless and divorced. I am ok with that - happy to give up those things I just mentioned, but I am not going to tell other women that it's totally, completely possible without sacrifice, because to me, that is just not true.
And fwiw, I don't think I would want my own husband to be those things either (a SCOTUS clerk, or, the equivalent in his field) because I would never see him. I think these are life choices, not necessarily mommy wars choices. And, in the end, you never really know what opportunities come and why, and when, maybe in 10 years I will be thanking my stars I gave up the job and practice area that I did.
Sorry to ramble! Issue very close to my heart!
Great post! I think it's all about balance and people could argue this topic either way (similarly to staying at home versus being a working mom). I think this is one of those topics that depends on each couple and what they want from life.
As a third year law student, I know FOR A FACT that it has hurt me being pregnant. The attorney's at the law firm where I had hoped to get an offer now look at me as "the pregnant one" versus "the hard working one." And as I'm sure you guys heard, "if they treat you that way, then you don't want to work for them." That's true...but...as I said, it's a balance.
Hopefully, everybody that chooses one way or the other (or are surprised and realize that one way was chosen for them as an oopsie as happened with me, haha), realizes that they wouldn't have it any other way.
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